Testing…Testing…is this thing on? I think we’re back…

The last few months of rest (the definition of rest in this sentence is “not running and eating like you are still running”) were much needed.  A little burned out from months and months of difficult training, the busyness of the spring sports schedules, and a general lack of motivation brought us to this place of “rest”. Wrapping up the school year the past few weeks, however, have been the “Wild Mouse” ride of life.  With every turn, we Mamas have felt like we were about to go over the edge.

Image found on http://www.countryliving.coop/departments/seven-signs-of-a-stressed-out-mom-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

This email exchange between myself and Mama D explain it all in graphic detail.  (You should REALLY click on the link to read the most amazing blog post ever written by a mom at this “end of school year times”).

Mama K email to Mama D:

I can’t wait to talk about how much you enjoy this blog post.  This is LOL funny and you will not be disappointed when you read this. It’s so hilarious!  http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3378480?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

Mama D email response to Mama K:

oOOOOoMMMmMMMMGGGGgGGG!!!!  I could not have enjoyed this more!!!!!!!!!   Thank you thank you thank you!  Here is my own little version-

Time frame, starting 05.21.2015 – Present
Setting- Family D’s House of Horrors
Cast- One tired, apathetic mother, her brood, and her poor husband who takes the brunt of her nastiness
Disclaimer:  Names have been changed to initials to protect the family because we all suck (and want to sort of keep it a secret).  Author has taken some poetic license with dialogue to provide situational detail.

Daughter A: it’s 7am mother, i need brownies for after school.
Mother:  Abracadabra, let me make them appear in the next 4 minutes before the bus comes.  I will drop them off at school.
Mother’s thoughts- I will go to Redners and pick some premade brownies up.  What? They don’t have brownies?  Donut holes will have to do.  And joy, they only cost $12.00!  That sure beats a $1.79 box of brownie mix!

Daughter A:  It’s 7am again, and Mom, I need to wear white and black for the concert tonight- did you wash the black shorts I wore yesterday?
Mother:  What time did you put them in the laundry basket?
Anna:  9:45pm.
Mother:  No, they are not washed.  Pick them out of the basket and spray them with body spray.

Teacher:  Mrs. D, would you happen to have a dress shirt, suit jacket, and tie our student could borrow for the wax museum tomorrow?  He doesn’t have an outfit.
Mother:  But of course, I will bring it right down after I iron the shirt.

Eldest Son D:  Mom- can you help me make this Monument for the ninth grade project?
Mother:  Sure D, what do you need me to do?
D:  Well, basically the whole thing…
Mother:  Let me get the glue gun, and I’ll print this out, and I’ll build this…wait, what grade are you in? (9th)  There should be no cutting and pasting after 1st grade!  And did I mention that I’m so glad we started this at 9pm.  Little boys, tuck yourselves in…again.  And no I don’t have time to read you a book.  That ship sailed in 2010.

Youngest Son V:  Did you get my white pillow case yet?
Mother:  Well son, I went to Target where they only had a set for $15.  Let me check somewhere else.  (Next day) Well, Big Lots doesn’t have any.  (Next Day) Wal-Mart is sure to have them.  What, only off-white?  Who the hell bought all the white ones?  I guess off white will have to do.
V:  Noooooo, it has to be WHITE!!!  She said so!
Mother:  Well, I’m at BedBath&Beyond so I’m just going to get them here.  Damn, where is my coupon?  Not walking to the car to get it.  And guess what, they’re $15.  Yeah!  I sure saved a lot and time and money on my original decision at Target and now I also get to take back the off-white ones.  I should be on that Extreme Couponing show.

Middle Son L:  Don’t forget I’m snack leader for baseball tonight.
Mother:  Got it covered- what do you want to take? It’s your birthday tomorrow- do you want me to take make something special?
Little Voice in my Head: Who is that talking?  Why would you suggest that?  Shut your stupid, dumb mouth!
Middle Son L:  Just like Dorito snack bags or something
Mother:  Ok!  Will pick them up today!
Little Voice:  there is a God.
Middle Son L:  But I want to take Brownies to school tomorrow.
Mother:  Of course you do- I’d be happy to make them.
L:  Don’t forget about the wax museum tonight.
Mother:  Of course not, looking forward to it.
L:  Can we donate a snack?
Mother: Absolutely not.
L:  Sometimes you are mean.
Mother:  Sometimes the Pope is mean too.

Little V:  Did you get the Oreos for Oreo day next week?
Mother:  No, that’s next week.  Why would I plan ahead?
V:  Yeah, but they’re due tomorrow!  She said so.
Mother:  But of course.  I will go to the store tomorrow morning, again, and drop them off along with your birthday party invites that I will copy at Staples because I would love nothing more than to host another party.  How many copies do we need? 50?  Great. Hope they can all come.  And bring their siblings too.
V::  And don’t forget the music for the talent show.
Mother:  Oh DAMMIT!  I will do that in the morning too.

Friday Morning, 05.29.15-
Husband:  Hey, you said you wanted to run today- come with me and we’ll tackle the big hill together.  It would be nice to spend time with you and I would love to conquer this challenge with you.  Let’s support each other and live happily ever after.  I love you with all my heart and you are the best.
Mother/Wife:  F U!  I have to make brownies, print an invitation, and convert a iTunes file and put it on a cd by 8am.  No, I will not do that and how dare you ask me to.  You are such a jerk.

5:15am– the computer WILL NOT work.  CANNOT get the talent show music on CD.  Can.not.  Send an email to teacher apologizing and promising it on Monday.  Brownies, done.  Need to be cut.  At least I got invite printed before computer failed to cooperate.  What’s that?  Movie night for cub scouts tonight- of course I remembered I needed to be early to make the popcorn.  No Eldest D, I do not know how to tie a tie.  Take it to school and ask your favorite teacher to do it.  They would be happy to because they have nothing else to do first thing in the morning.  Happy birthday Middle L.  I love you and have no present for you.  No Daughter A, I did not wash your shorts from Wed.  Do you really only have 2 pairs of shorts?  Why do we keep having this discussion?  Check email, see one from BFF and can’t wait to open it.  Read it and LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take solace in the fact that I am not the only mom who sucks.  Waste 20 minutes writing this email because why the hell not?!

And so, friends and fellow stressed out parents, this paints the perfect picture of every day life for essentially the last month.  But now…. now, school is out and we don’t have to care if anyone brushes their teeth or makes it anywhere by 7:25 am. Our mornings are free of fighting about brownie deliveries and last minute laundry rummaging. So what’s a girl to do? Why have a few drinks with a fellow Mama who’s awesomely into CrossFit and purchase a Groupon for one month of unlimited classes for $40, that’s what we do!

So we woke our weak asses up at 5 to get to class by 5:30 am yesterday morning only to find the gym dark and locked. Apparently Wednesday is the only day Fidelity Cross Fit doesn’t have class at 5:30am.   We tried again today and SUCCESS! 45 minutes of squats, jumping rope, and burpees later we were feeling like we’ve returned (ok, I lied a little bit. It was only 30 minutes since we held up the class for being a little late AND new).  I’m sure tomorrow will be painful, but for now we’re riding the high!

Cheers to Summer Break,

Mama K

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