All week I’ve had flashbacks of running through the woods. They were all good memories. I felt strong and agile and appreciative of having that time in nature. I remember passing other runners on the path when I dared to be a little more brave and a little more reckless. I remember moving with the earth as the ground took me around the twists and turns, the slips and stumbles. I remember spending every ounce of energy being so focused on each step. I remember picking people ahead of me and working my way to catch up. I remember the sunlight breaking through the trees and highlighting the colors of leaves, roots, and rocks. I remember feeling so tough and so powerful and so impressed with myself when it was all over. All week I’ve held onto these feelings.
Until today… Today I was at TJ Maxx with my two older children. I was searching for a pink tank top to wear to tonight’s fundraiser event at CrossFit Fidelity, Barbells for Boobs. I came across this shirt in the clearance section.
I fell in love with it. I stared at it a long time. I touched it and ran the sleeve through my hand. I picked it up to inspect it and as I held it up I heard my daughter say, “Mom, you HAVE to get that.” I looked at her and smiled. But what happened next surprised me in a sad way. Even though I had felt like Supergirl all week, what came out of my mouth next was so disappointing.
“No, I don’t think I can. I don’t feel good enough to wear something like this.”
“What?! Mom. You ran a marathon. You just did a half marathon of, of, of all trails. You go to CrossFit…..” My son then chimed in “Yeah, mom. Get it.”
Embarrassed, I said “I don’t want people to think I’m better than I really am.”
They couldn’t believe that was my response to them. I couldn’t believe that was my response to them. Right now as I sit here typing this I can’t believe I didn’t feel worthy to wear that Supergirl shirt. I don’t know if that was a good dose of humility or if it was really insecurity, but I put the shirt back. And now I regret it.
While it felt so good to hear my children list my recent accomplishments in an excited kind of way, I came home and wondered where all my confidence had gone. Where is the girl that was so impressed with herself just one week ago? Today I went against everything I’ve been teaching my family: you are and always will be good enough; you are and always will be worthy; you are strong and smart and proud; take risks and do scary things, that’s where the rewards are; be confident in who you are and what you love.
So what did I teach them today?